Decisions and Personal Revelation

Big kid decisions are hard. And they just keep piling up.

I am back in Rexburg and am so excited about it. Three months at home was plenty of time for me. Even though I was working 40 hours a week, it was in 12 hour shifts so I really only worked 3 days a week and had the rest of the time to just do nothing - which I loved before my mission but was a bit hard afterwards. So I am so excited to be back at school.

This is my last semester of classes which is bittersweet. I'm excited to be done but I don't really know what to do afterwards. That's not true. I got a lot of answers on my mission and I know where I need to go and what I need to do. I'm just not exactly sure why. And we all know that I like having all the answers.

New things are popping up that are making me doubt the answers that I've already gotten. After a long drive here and then a spur of the moment trip to Utah I had some health problems flare up on me (I'll spare you the details). I got a blessing from some mission friends and then another one from my Bishop and both told me that I had to make the decision about what and when I am going to do to recover from this. Both told me that it was going to be a long process. My mom has suggested a few times that I move back home and have the surgery and then come back out here in January. That is the last thing I want to do and luckily the Lord agrees. But that still leaves the problem of when to have it.

I am so grateful for personal revelation and the strengthened ability I received on my mission to recognize it. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is patient enough to give me the same answers over and over again just to reassure me that I am doing the right thing.

Because I Have Been Given Much...

This seems to be my go to phrase. Whenever I am having a hard time this is the first thing that pops into my head. We sang this song at Grandma Skousen's funeral. At first I thought it was a weird choice to sing at a funeral, but, after talking with my mom I came to realize that this was the theme of Grandma's life. Ever since then I strive to make it the theme of my own life. I love to serve. Nothing brings me more joy. I don't expect anything in return. All I want is to see the joy on the face of those I am serving. This is the reason I think I have the best job in the world. Because I don't have to work; all I do is serve. It can get gross. There are some things I could have done without experiencing but in the end I wouldn't give it up.
I love to serve those around me. I am constantly looking for people who need to be helped. My bishop told me that I have to be careful with that, especially when dating.

Because I have been given much, I too must give. Because of thy great bounty, Lord each day I live. I shall divide my gifts from thee with every brother that I see, who has the need of help from me.

Because I have been sheltered, fed by thy good care… I cannot see another’s lack and I not share-my glowing fire, my loaf of bread-my roof’s safe shelter over head, that he too may be comforted.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love dear Lord, I’ll share thy love again according to thy word. I shall give love to those in need. I’ll show that love by word and deed, thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

Fixing Things

"If you're determined to fix every situation you deem as bad, or difficult, or somehow unsavory, then you rob the person of their own chance to fix it, learn from it, or even grow from it. Some things, no matter how painful, happen for a reason. A reason you or I may not be able to grasp at first sight, not without knowing a person's entire life story—their cumulative past. And to just barge in and interfere, no matter how well-intentioned, would be akin to robbing them of their journey. Something that's better not done.”
― Alyson Noel, Shadowland

Recently I had a good friend make an awful decision. It was one that broke my heart as well as the hearts of many others around him and I'm sure his own. I didn't know how to process the whole thing or what I was supposed to do next. I wanted to do something to help him although deep down I knew there was nothing that I could do. While talking to one of my best friends he explained to me that everybody has to come to their own knowledge of what the Atonement can do for them. He told me that if I stepped in and fixed his problems I would be replacing Jesus Christ as his Savior. I would be denying him the opportunity of coming to know and understand the Atonement as I have. In the long run I would only be hurting him.

This has been something that I have thought of the past month or so. It has been brought to the forefront of my mind again as I have recently had others try to dissolve my own unfavorable behaviors. While I appreciate the concern that they have for me, just as I had concern for my friend, I wish they would allow me learn what I am supposed to learn from my experiences.

Everyone has things that they have to learn at their own time and in their own way. It does no good to deny somebody the opportunity to learn these things no matter how dire the situation may seem. Don't get me wrong. Love and support are always needed. But there must be a difference between supporting someone and doing it for them.

Turning Tables

I found a new song that I love.

For whatever reason I can't let people in. I can't let people close enough to hurt me.
I put on this loud, obnoxious front to push people away. And it usually works.
I feel like people here don't know the real me. Not because they don't try but because I won't let them. It's easier to just be loud and obnoxious than it is to let people in and risk getting hurt.

Words

Desire.

Motivation.

Productivity.

All good words. None of which describe me in the past two weeks.

Priesthood

I am so grateful for the Priesthood in my life.
I sat down to talk with my Bishop the other night and we had a really good conversation. I left feeling recharged. I am amazed at the inspiration that he receives as my Priesthood leader.

I am grateful to know that there are those around me who hold the power of God and can use that power to help me when I am in need. I am grateful for those who know and recognize that power. I have so much respect for those that hold that power in humility and who willingly want to use it to bless the lives of others.

Whirlwind of Acitivties

Sometimes people are very different than you think they are. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not so much. But oh how I'm grateful for those good surprises!

This semester continues to be a whirlwind of activity. I'm already feeling burnt out and we're only a few weeks into the semester. Maybe one of these days I will learn that I'm not super woman and I can't do it all. But for now, here I go.

I've only taught institute once so far. It went okay. I had almost 15 minutes left at the end and that was very frustrating. But now I know for next time that I need a longer lesson plan. I loved the students and can't wait to go back in a week.

I'm teaching Relief Society this Sunday. It will be the first time in a few years. I'm kind of excited though. I get to pick the topic and I'm doing it on Psalms 46:10 "Be Still and Know That I Am God." President Eyring talked about this in general conference when I was down in Hawaii (October 2010). It is a saying that has stuck with me ever since and gotten me through a lot of hard times. It holds so much power in it and can help in so many different situations.

School is going. I like some of classes, can't stand some of them, and love a few of them. Okay I love one of them - my SPED class. I love kids with disabilities. They hold such a special place in my heart. I have a hard time majoring in child development because I know that I am academically capable of more difficult classes (hence the computer science major and math minor). It is when I am around these kids or learning about these kids that I remember why I am a child development major. I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me that involves kids with disabilities. It's hard to explain. But when I'm learning about these kids and spending time with them, I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.

In a week or so my neighbor and I are going to sing in Sacrament meeting. I can't wait! I miss singing so much! This morning I went down to the lounge with a few friends and played around on the piano. I miss playing the piano. I miss singing. They're two things that I need to take the time to do more often. They both provide such a relief for me. Singing is the best way for me to bear my testimony. I can't always put my heart into words. But I can put it into music.